


the ghost of you.

by cardiganreid



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Depression, Derek Morgan - Freeform, Derek Morgan Dies, M/M, Suicide, five seconds of summer - Freeform, ghost of you, spencer reid is very sad, this will possibly make you cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29343159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardiganreid/pseuds/cardiganreid
Summary: major tw ! descriptions of suicide and depression( this was greatly inspired by transperalta so credits to him for the prompt idea ! ! )"i should've told you. but. i love you, you know?""i know." derek nodded. "i know, kid."
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 7
Kudos: 37





	the ghost of you.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [transperalta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/transperalta/gifts).



one week. one week since spencer had last laughed with derek morgan. one week since spencer last heard the words 'pretty boy' leave derek morgan's mouth. one week since spencer had felt derek morgan's arms wrapped around him. 

one week since derek morgan died.

he was currently sat on his living room floor, his back pressed against the wall and his knees hugged to his chest. he was wearing a hoodie that he had borrowed from derek a year ago and never returned - either on purpose or by accident. the hoodie was way too large for the bony boy, it loosely hung from his prominent shoulder blades. his eyes slowly scanned his apartment, longing for something to land their focus on. 

nothing felt real in this moment. 

he hadn't left his apartment all week and he felt empty. spencer simply couldn't bring himself to imagine his life without derek morgan. without the snarky daily comments. without the constant teasing and flirting. without the hugs. the 'i love you kid's. 

without derek. 

his eyes eventually picked out their target and he sat there staring at his bookcase. without notice, he saw derek. stood in front of the bookshelf. derek was there. derek morgan was stood there. he also saw himself opposite derek. it was the exact place they'd been stood in a month ago when derek had knocked on spencer's door at midnight. 

"i just... i'm so tired kid, you know? our job is so demanding, i have to always be there ready to come in if i get the text. it's draining. i never have time to just sit down and breathe for a moment."

"i know, derek. but it's part of our job and i know how much you value it." spencer had reassured derek. "it's just one of the cons of the job but there are so many pros to it and you and i both know we'd be lost without the bau."

spencer felt tears roll down his cheeks as he watched the conversation. why had he let derek think everything was okay? let him think that him feeling exhausted was normal for people who worked in their field. how had he not noticed it wasn't just the job derek was tired of. it was everything. he shook his head.

fast. he shook his head fast. 

he didn't want to watch that conversation play out anymore. he couldn't experience it a second time.

his eyes quickly moved their gaze from the bookshelf in search for something else to observe. second target. spencer's sofa. the sofa he barely sat on. he was always at his desk. the only times he ever sat on that stupid sofa were when he had people over. that stupid fucking sofa.

there he was again. him and derek. sat on that stupid fucking sofa, watching a soccer game on the television. once again, spencer never used that television. he hadn't even bought it, derek had. and he never watched soccer, unless derek was there. however, on this occasion derek's focus wasn't on the soccer. he had been talking to spencer again.

"things are so rough, pretty boy. i think about quitting work and doing something impulsive like running away. yknow? leaving everyone i know here and just going somewhere else where nobody will ever find me." derek held eye contact with spencer.

once again, spencer wasn't much help. he simply rambled about statistics. and viewing this conversation now made him fucking hate himself. "actually, 65.5% of people get impulsive thoughts like that. it's completely normal. people get bored of their lives the way they are." 

"stop." spencer croaked. quietly. faintly. it was the first word to leave his lips all week.

surprise, surprise. his eyes moved away from the sofa. they made their way all the way over to spencer's kitchen counter. and for the third time, there was him and derek. where they'd been sat exactly a week ago.

the day he lost derek.

spencer was sat on his counter and derek was leaned against it next to him, a cassette tape in one hand and a book in the other. 

"i was digging through some childhood stuff the other day, kid. i thought i'd give you these."

_stop._

"it's nothing but some old junk i need to get rid of. this cassette has some pretty nice music on it that you'd probably like"

_it's not junk. he made that cassette for you. those songs are about you._

"this book is one my pops would read to me every night as a kid. he couldn't get me to shut up about it."

_stop it. he's lying. ask him if he's okay._

spencer didn't know how to react to the gesture. 

"thank you derek, this is really nice of you."

_stop it you fucking idiot. it's not old junk. he's not okay. don't let him leave your house._

spencer watched his past self say goodbye to derek and let him go. 

"no, stop!" spencer practically screamed as he got up from the floor for the first time in a week and tried to stop derek from walking out of the door. but that was it. he was gone.

spencer held a tight grip on the door handle after the door had shut and he pressed his forehead against it, uncontrollably sobbing.

knock knock. someone was there. spencer didn't want to see anyone. yet he opened the door anyway.

but this wasn't someone. this was another one of his memories. this was nothing but a flashback.

two police officers. notebook in hand. blank expression on their faces.

"dr spencer reid? we need to talk to you about derek morgan."

spencer watched himself play through this whole conversation again.

this is going to hurt spencer. you don't want to hear this.

"you're noted down as derek morgan's emergency contact. so you're the first one we need to speak to but.. we're sorry to inform you that derek was found hanging at his house tonight. 8.33pm. our paramedics did everything they could but.."

no. no. i can't go through this again. i can't do this.

"stop it!" spencer screamed and slammed his door shut, shutting out the memory. he didn't want to relive that conversation. he walked to his bedroom and closed the door, sitting on the floor against his bed directly opposite his mirror. he pulled derek's hoodie around himself and stared at the floor, his eyes red as he sobbed. 

he looked up at the mirror and watched derek sit down next to him.

he looked up at derek.

"derek?"

"derek is it really you?" he whispered.

"no kid.. but pretend i'm really here. you're okay. you're strong. you will pull through this." 

"derek i... derek i should've seen the signs. i should've asked if you were okay. and now you're... you're gone." 

"it's okay, pretty boy. you're okay."

"derek." spencer whispered coarsely.

"derek. i love you... i love you so much. i should've told you. but. i love you, you know?"

"i know." derek nodded. "i know, kid."

**Author's Note:**

> this was kind of a rant and a fanfic mixed together so i didn't proofread. it's very messy so i'm sorry! kudos and comments greatly appreciated <3


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